Thaddeus Stevens Chronicles No. 27

 The funniest congressman in U.S. history

March 2023

By Ross Hetrick

Thaddeus Stevens was perhaps the funniest congressman in American history, and he used his acerbic wit to devastate his oratorical opponents and destroy their arguments. 

While some of this humor has been passed down, much of it was lost because the transcribers of congressional sessions could not hear them, though regularly noting the laughter around Stevens.

"Never has wit of all varieties exhibited in more bewildering profusion," said Vermont Rep. Justin S. Morrill. "He daily wasted in this private and semi-grotesque distribution of mirth, sense and satire, often indiscriminately among friends and foes, a capital sufficient, could it have been preserved, to rival almost any of the acknowledged masters among the colloquial wits of this or any age," he said.

One of his most famous jokes was directed at his fellow Pennsylvania politician, Simon Cameron, Lincoln's first Secretary of War. Stevens complained to Lincoln about some of the overly priced war contracts, which might have included kickbacks to Cameron. "Why, Mr. Stevens, you don't think the Secretary would steal, do you?" Lincoln said. Stevens replied, "Well, Mr. President, I don't think he would steal a red-hot stove." 

Lincoln liked the joke and told Cameron, who did not like it and demanded Stevens retract it. Stevens obediently went to Lincoln and said: "I said I did not think Mr. Cameron would steal a red-hot stove. I am now forced to withdraw that statement."

Later, Lincoln discovered how corrupt Cameron was and appointed him ambassador to Russia to get him out of his cabinet. Stevens wisecracked, "Send word to the Czar to bring in his things at night."

Also Stevens delivered one of the greatest put downs of the evil institution of slavery, which southern politicians regularly praised.

"Gentlemen on this floor [House of Representatives] and in the Senate, had repeatedly, during this discussion, asserted that slavery was a moral, political, and personal blessing, that the slave was free from care, contented, happy, fat and sleek. Comparisons have been instituted between slaves and laboring freemen, much to the advantage of the condition of slavery. Instances were cited where the slave, after having tried freedom, had voluntarily returned to resume his yoke," Stevens said.

"Well, if this be so, let us give all a chance to enjoy this blessing. Let the slaves, who choose, go free, and the free, who choose, become slaves. If these gentlemen believe there is a word of truth in what they preach, the slaveholder need be under no apprehension that he will ever lack bondsmen. Their slaves would remain, and many freemen would seek admission into this happy condition. Let them be active in propagating their principles. We will not complain if they establish societies in the south for that purpose -- abolition societies to abolish freedom. Nor will we rob the mails to search for incendiary publications in favor of slavery, even if they contain seductive pictures and cuts of those implements of happiness -- handcuffs, iron yokes and cat-o'-nine-tails."

Ross Hetrick is president of the Thaddeus Stevens Society, which is dedicated to promoting Stevens's important legacy. More information about the Great Commoner can be found at the society's website: https://www.thaddeusstevenssociety.com/