Thaddeus Stevens Chronicles No. 28

The funniest congressman part 2

 April 2023

By Ross Hetrick

In last month's column, I gave a sampling of Thaddeus Stevens's cutting and effective wit. Here is some more.

Stumping into the House of Representatives just as a vote was about to be taken on a contested seat, Stevens inquired what was under consideration. "Oh, we are just about to vote on the question of two damn rascals fighting for a seat," said a fellow congressman. "Well," said Stevens reaching for a ballot, "which is our damn rascal."

In an effort to create better relations between Stevens and President Andrew Johnson, friends of Johnson went to Stevens and tried to convince him that he was not such a bad fellow. They particularly pointed out that, like Stevens himself, Johnson was a self-made man. "I never thought of it that way,"  Stevens said, "but it does relieve God almighty of a  heavy responsibility."

A letter writer to Stevens said he had been told that Stevens was an unbeliever, to which Stevens replied: "I have always been a firm believer in the Bible. He is a fool who disbelieves the existence of God as you say is charged on me. I also believe in the existence of hell for the special benefit of this slanderer."

When walking in Lancaster one day, Stevens turned down a narrow sidewalk and encountered his old enemy, Alexander Harris. "I never get out of the way of a skunk," said Harris." Stepping off the curb, Stevens replied, "But I always do."

During a trial a Dr. Smith, a leading doctor in Chambersburg, PA, was a witness against a Stevens's client. Dr. Oliver, a quack doctor, was also a witness. In his summation, Stevens purposely mixed up the names of the two doctors in order to undercut Dr. Smith's testimony. 

Dr. Smith, who was in his office at the time, was told about this as it was happening. Enraged Dr. Smith grabbed a cane and proclaimed he was going to beat Stevens for his treacherous behavior. Marching down the street towards the courthouse, a crowd gathered behind him to see the beating. Dr. Smith met Stevens coming out of the courthouse. "Mr. Stevens," Dr. Smith proclaimed, "I understand that in commenting on my testimony you called me Dr. Oliver." With a shocked look on his face, Stevens replied, "Did I? I am very sorry for it and when I meet Dr. Oliver, I will apologize." The crowd erupted with laughter with Dr. Smith joining them.

Ross Hetrick is president of the Thaddeus Stevens Society, which is dedicated to promoting Stevens's important legacy. More information about the Great Commoner can be found at the society's website: https://www.thaddeusstevenssociety.com/